Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
TIM ALLENIf you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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I do a lot of family shows.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
TIM ALLEN