When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
EMO PHILIPSIf an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPS






