My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPSIf an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
More Emo Philips Quotes
-
-
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPS -
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPS -
I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPS -
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS -
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPS -
I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS -
Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS -
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
EMO PHILIPS -
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPS -
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS -
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPS -
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPS -
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS -
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPS -
I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPS