If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
TIM ALLENI wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
More Tim Allen Quotes
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
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I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
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I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
TIM ALLEN