Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
TIM ALLENReal men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
TIM ALLEN