Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
TIM ALLENWhen somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
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I have a thing for tools.
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
TIM ALLEN






