I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPS