How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPS