“I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.”

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.

One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.

Evolution is a light illuminating all facts, a curve that all lines must follow.

The only one which can embrace the past and future of evolution and so contemplate, measure and fulfil them.

The earth was probably born by accident; but, in accordance with one of the most general laws of evolution, scarcely had this accident happened than it was immediately made use of and recast into something naturally directed.

I have always had this basic biological question in terms of evolution, if the drive to evolution is to like survive.

To get really high is to forget yourself. And to forget yourself is to see everything else. And to see everything else is to become an understanding molecule in evolution, a conscious tool of the universe.

It seems to me that evolution adds greatly to the wonder of life because it takes it out of the realm of the arbitrary, the exceptional, and links it to the sequence of natural causation.

Optimization hinders evolution.

Optimization hinders evolution.