“Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.”

Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Denying racism is the new racism.

I don’t respect religon. I don’t respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.

Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.

You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time, husband!!!

It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’

We’re Americans. We celebrate success. We just don’t want the game to be rigged.

I celebrate the way I keep going. Its not always easy and yet, here I am.

Think of the magic of that foot, comparatively small, upon which your whole weight rests. It’s a miracle, and the dance is a celebration of that miracle.

Don’t ever hesitate to take to [God] whatever is on your heart. He already knows it anyway, but He doesn’t want you to bear its pain or celebrate its joy alone.

For a woman to be considered a celebrated beauty is not exactly a bad thing. I think we have to say that in all reality.

In life, one has a choice to take one of two paths: to wait for some special day-or to celebrate each special day.

On this day, when we’re celebrating our constitutional heritage, I urge you to be faithful to that heritage – to impose on our fellow citizens only the restrictions that are there in the Constitution, not invent new ones, not to invent the right because it’s a good idea.

The next time you look into the mirror, just look at the way the ears rest next to the head; look at the way the hairline grows; think of all the little bones in your wrist. It is a miracle. And the dance is a celebration of that miracle.