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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Tim Allen

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
TIM ALLEN

Day Himself Interest Love Man
I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
TIM ALLEN

Adult Children Goodness Independent
A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
TIM ALLEN

Blame Car Family Land Memories Myself Traffic
You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
TIM ALLEN

People Stress Tension Yourself
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
TIM ALLEN

Audience Easy Hurt Myself Time
Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
TIM ALLEN

Animal Beginning Humanity Time Yourself
Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
TIM ALLEN

Advice Children Live Parents People
But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
TIM ALLEN

Human Man Separate Vehicle
All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
TIM ALLEN

Alone Crow Encouragement Man Substitute Support Thinking
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
TIM ALLEN

Death Dog Food Leaving
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
TIM ALLEN

Comedy Decision Himself Judgement Sentence Serious Stand
Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
TIM ALLEN

Animal Borrow Man Tools
Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
TIM ALLEN

Appearance Brilliant Funny Head Shower Weird Woman Yourself
I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
TIM ALLEN

Artist Creativity Design Graphics
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
TIM ALLEN

Alive Lawn Maintainence Man Reason
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
TIM ALLEN

Advantage Beautiful Myself Play Reality Show Theatre

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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