“Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.”

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.

I have a thing for tools.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.

I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.

If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.

If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.

Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I do a lot of family shows.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?

I carry around this little lion named Leo, which I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

The pastor ought to have two voices: one, for gathering the sheep; and another, for warding off and driving away wolves and thieves. The Scripture supplies him with the means of doing both.

Cats invented self-esteem.

Even a wolf knows how to be polite when animalistic humans have no clue about politeness.

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

The secret is, first, get a thoroughbred horse because they are the most nervous animals on earth. Then get the biggest gun you can find and make sure the starter fires that big gun right by the nervous thoroughbred’s ear.

You got beef, bring your cow, I will cattle you.