“Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.”

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

Fidelity – a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

I don’t cook, ’cause I don’t know how to cook.

I don’t cook, ’cause I don’t know how to cook.

Give me a flagon of red wine, a book of verses, a loaf of bread, and a little idleness. If with such store I might sit by thy dear side in some lonely place, I should deem myself happier than a king in his kingdom.

My mom says I’m not allowed to move out, but I’m allowed. I said I have to FaceTime her every night to make dinner with her because I won’t be able to do it myself. So she said she’ll accept it if I do that.

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.

Every prayer is a need or a lack of something. That’s why the rich man doesn’t ask for food, but for good health throughout the year.

I’ma make sure the family keep a decent meal, no matter what I got to do or who I got to kill.

The only best way to prove that a statue can’t provide for you is to ask it for food.