Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
AMBROSE BIERCEIn our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Consul – in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
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Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.
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PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
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War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
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Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
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Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
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PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
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Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.
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A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.
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Fidelity – a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
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Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
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Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
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Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
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Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
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Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
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Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
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Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
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Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
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Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
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