“Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.”

Scriptures – The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

An election is nothing more than the advanced auction of stolen goods.

Consul – in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

Electricity is the power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.