Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHTI installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT