If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHTI installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT