I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHTI installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT