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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?

Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mad Music Myself Night Play
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Death Funny Success Yourself
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Eat Food Funny Human
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Distance Time Walk Yourself
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Book Funny Myself Writing
Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Average Level People Yourself
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Forest Funny Himself Man Nature Woman Wrong
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Alphabet Order Song
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Myself Quick Toy
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Crime Man Office Photograph Writing
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Better Doctor Myself Pay Right Work Yourself
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Kill Learning Love Myself Time
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Education Funny Myself Perfection Practice Stop Teacher
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Abandonment Book Build Funny Myself Ocean Yourself
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Friendship Gift Myself Sex

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?

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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?

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