Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT