I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
NORM MACDONALDNote to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
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I don’t have any ambition.
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Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
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They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
NORM MACDONALD






