I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT






