I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Clones are people two.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT