I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHTConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT






