I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHTConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT