Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT