“How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?”

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Half the people you know are below average.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I love the Seahawks because of Russell [Wilson] and I think that I’m going to probably go for them!

You have nice manners for a thief and a liar, said the dragon.

You wanted to be the Superman who was never Clark Kent.

I am an extremely wicked-looking vampire but really that’s the whole point.

Only when we start to distinguish reality from fantasy that we can humbly, with eyes wide open, forge loving and sustainable connections with others.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

Come, Mr. Frodo!’ he cried. ‘I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.

Never laugh at live dragons.