Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT