When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHTTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT