“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

It’s not what you know, it’s what you think you know.

Thankfully, perseverance is a good substitute for talent.

Be so good they can’t ignore you.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

How many people have never raised their hand before?

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

When I die, now don’t think that I’m a nut, don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time.

I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.

With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you have no idea if it’s going to work. And then you get the response. It’s great when it’s good.

I have found that– just as in real life–imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl’s leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.

I will do anything to look like him – except, of course, exercise or eat right.

A great doctor kills more people than a great general.

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.

It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel is a surgeon.

No one has been a greater botanist or zoologist. No one has written more books, more correctly, more methodically, from personal experience. No one has more completely changed a whole science and started a new epoch.

Man is not made for space. But with the help of biologists and medical doctors, he can be prepared and accommodated.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’

I would love for people to be able to think of me as a guy who stood up for what he believed in and helped make a difference for the vets.

I had once thought I would become a doctor but gave up on the thought soon enough. I took up the racquet instead. Later, when I saw my sister studying so much to become a doctor, I was like, ‘Thank God I am a shuttler!’