“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.”

With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you have no idea if it’s going to work. And then you get the response. It’s great when it’s good.

I have found that– just as in real life–imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl’s leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.

I will do anything to look like him – except, of course, exercise or eat right.

Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language… Apache.

I could never be a woman, ’cause I’d just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

Dinosaurs did not walk with humans. The evolutionary record says different. They gambled.

There’s someone out there for everyone – even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.

Always make room for the unexpected in yourself.

I’m not trying to be a big shot or anything like that, but I get my drinks half price.

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.

When I was doing Bean more than I’ve done him in the last few years, I did strange things – like appearing on chat shows in character as Mr. Bean.

Don’t be concerned with other people’s impressions of you. They are dazzled and deluded by appearances. Stick with your purpose. This alone will strengthen your will and give your life coherence.

When your desires are strong enough you will appear to possess superhuman powers to achieve.

Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows.

When the materials are all prepared and ready, the architects shall appear.

Truth is like the stars; it does not appear except from behind obscurity of the night.

We are to admit no more causes of natural things than such as are both true and sufficient to explain their appearances.

Maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots.