I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTMy dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT