“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.”

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Half the people you know are below average.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

God is the Great Engineer, creating circumstances to bring about moments in our lives of divine importance, leading us to divine appointments.

At no time are people so sedulously careful to keep their trifling appointments, attend to their ordinary occupations, and thus put a commonplace aspect on life, as when conscious of some secret that if suspected would make them look monstrous in the general eye.

Don’t let the hurt of today blind you to the hope of tomorrow. Disappointment ushers in a new appointment.

Those from whose pocket the salary is drawn, and by whose appointment the officer was made, have always a right to discuss the merits of their officers, and their modes of exercising the duties they are paid to perform.

Man hath his daily work of body or mind Appointed.

Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour.

I am invariably late for appointments – sometimes as much as two hours. I’ve tried to change my ways but the things that make me late are too strong, and too pleasing.

Just made an appointment with the eye doctor because I don’t know what I saw in you.