I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Clones are people two.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT