“I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.”

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

[On alcohol:] Total abstinence is an impossibility and it will not do to insist on it as a general practice.

When men drink, then they are rich and successful and win lawsuits and are happy and help their friends. Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.

There’s nothing in the world like that first taste of beer.

When I sell liquor, it’s bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it’s hospitality.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.

I never diet. I smoke. I drink now and then. I never work out.

Champagne is the one thing that gives me zest when I am tired.

I learned early to drink beer, wine and whiskey. And I think I was about 5 when I first chewed tobacco.