Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHTI was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT