Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHTI was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Clones are people two.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT