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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Day Life Yourself
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Children Friendship Himself
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Drive Learning Yourself
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Mathematics Pronunciation Sound
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Appearance Different Fingers Hands
$Steven Wright Quote - Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.$

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mathematics People Trouble
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Call Herself Home Light Myself Phone Woman
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Funny Goodness Myself Oneself Worth
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Believe Funny Myself Police Reading See Stop Time
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Funny Man Sad Yourself
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Believe Funny Hands Myself Science Yourself
Half the people you know are below average.
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Average Level People Yourself
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Alcohol Myself Photograph Thinking Woman
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Memories Myself Past Thinking
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Better Doctor Myself Pay Right Work Yourself
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Heaven Hell Hot Rise Temperature Warm
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Bill Country Freedom Funny Phone Talk
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Distance Time Walk Yourself
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Forest Funny Himself Man Nature Woman Wrong
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Angry Depression Enthusiasm One Liner Perspective Sick
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Destroy Evidence Success Try Yourself
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Experience Need Yourself
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT

Angry Install Light Live Myself People
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Myself People
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Book Funny Myself Writing
Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Remember Self Love Unique Worth Yourself
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Hairs Himself Mirror Reflection See

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