I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTI put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT






