If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHTSomeone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT






