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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’

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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Car Funny Yourself
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Children Funny Hands Himself Mom
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Forget Funny Myself
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Memories Myself Past Thinking
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Death Myself Quote Right Talk Word
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Buy Fame Friendship Herself Popular Toy
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Education Funny Myself Perfection Practice Stop Teacher
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Call Herself Home Light Myself Phone Woman
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Experience Need Yourself
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Forest Funny Himself Man Nature Woman Wrong
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Coffee Myself Time
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Conscience Funny Sleep Time
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Angry Install Light Live Myself People
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Idiot Ocean Stand Wait

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