For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHTSomeone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT