“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

A girl’s best friend is her mutter.

He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

They sicken of the calm who know the storm.

His voice was as intimate as the rustle of sheets.

Telegram to a friend who had just become a mother after a prolonged pregnancy: Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you.

You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.

The only dependable law of life – everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.

I’m not a writer with a drinking problem, I’m a drinker with a writing problem.

There’s a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

The cleverest woman on earth is the biggest fool on earth with a man.

Years are only garments, and you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.

Drink and dance and laugh and lie, Love, the reeling midnight through, For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.)

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

I don’t mind anything that’s written about me, as long as it’s not true.

Most people don’t walk around the tools to process pain and fear, that kind of discomfort. In most cases, it’s unbearable to look at it, feel it, and/or address it. It’s why I’m such a fan of self-help books.

My mother gave me this book called Feature Films at Used Car Prices by a guy named Rick Schmidt. I gotta credit the guy, cuz he gave me the most practical advice. It empowers you.

Books are not made for furniture, but there is nothing else that so beautifully furnishes a house.

Every beginning is only a sequel, after all, and the book of events is always open halfway through.

I have three kids who like Harry Potter so I was sort of aware of it. You can’t really move from it: it’s on buses, in stores, it’s everywhere. One of my kids has read the books; the other two are too small but they like the movies.

I tried to make sense of the Four Books, until love arrived, and it all became a single syllable.

During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.