“The only dependable law of life – everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.”

The best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk.

Most good women are hidden treasures who are only safe because nobody looks for them.

Now, look, baby, ‘Union’ is spelled with 5 letters. It is not a four-letter word.

[On the ringing of her doorbell or telephone:] What fresh hell is this?

It’s not the tragedies that kill us; it’s the messes.

Bewildered is the fox who lives to find that grapes beyond reach can be really sour.

You do what you can, and you do it because you should. But all you can do is all you can do.

Vice is nice, but liquor is quicker.

The writer’s way is rough and lonely, and who would choose it while there are vacancies in more gracious professions, such as, say, cleaning out ferryboats?

I hate almost all rich people, but I think I’d be darling at it.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

I’d like to have money. And I’d like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that’s too adorable, I’d rather have money.

Friends come and go but I wouldn’t have thought you’d be one of them.

Don’t feel bad when I die; I’ve been dead for a long time.

I know this will come as a shock to you, Mr. Goldwyn, but in all history, which has held billions and billions of human beings, not a single one ever had a happy ending.

Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, can be prolonged to the point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only irritation.