If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.
DOROTHY PARKERThe only useful thing I ever learned in school was that if you spit on your eraser it erased ink.
More Dorothy Parker Quotes
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The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
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A girl’s best friend is her mutter.
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I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
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I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.
DOROTHY PARKER -
And if my heart be scarred and burned, The safer, I, for all I learned.
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Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!
DOROTHY PARKER -
Where unwilling dies the rose; buds the new another year.
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Telegram to a friend who had just become a mother after a prolonged pregnancy: Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you.
DOROTHY PARKER -
Writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat.
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There’s life for you. Spend the best years of your life studying penmanship and rhetoric and syntax and Beowulf and George Eliot, and then somebody steals your pencil.
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You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.
DOROTHY PARKER -
If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.
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The writer’s way is rough and lonely, and who would choose it while there are vacancies in more gracious professions, such as, say, cleaning out ferryboats?
DOROTHY PARKER -
The only useful thing I ever learned in school was that if you spit on your eraser it erased ink.
DOROTHY PARKER -
I know this will come as a shock to you, Mr. Goldwyn, but in all history, which has held billions and billions of human beings, not a single one ever had a happy ending.
DOROTHY PARKER -
All I say is, nobody has any business to go around looking like a horse and behaving as if it were all right. You don’t catch horses going around looking like people, do you?
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The Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt.
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Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, can be prolonged to the point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only irritation.
DOROTHY PARKER -
It turns out that, at social gatherings, as a source of entertainment, conviviality, and good fun, I rank somewhere between a sprig of parsley and a single ice-skate.
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Don’t feel bad when I die; I’ve been dead for a long time.
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[On the ringing of her doorbell or telephone:] What fresh hell is this?
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But I don’t give up; I forget why not.
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People ought to be one of two things, young or dead.
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The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.
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There is entirely too much charm around, and something must be done to stop it.
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I’d like to have money. And I’d like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that’s too adorable, I’d rather have money.
DOROTHY PARKER