Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
JOAN RIVERSThank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
JOAN RIVERS -
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERS -
I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS -
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
JOAN RIVERS -
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERS -
There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERS -
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERS -
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERS -
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
JOAN RIVERS -
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERS -
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
JOAN RIVERS -
Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERS