When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERSThank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERS -
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Better laid than never.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS