You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERGI tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG -
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG