Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
ERMA BOMBECKSome emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You’re on your own, Bernice.
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
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There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
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Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.
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It is my theory you can’t get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation’s compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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He who laughs lasts.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
ERMA BOMBECK