People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
ERMA BOMBECKMy kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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When you’re lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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I remember thinking how often we look, but never see … we listen, but never hear … we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
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Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn’t turn it on.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn’t even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn’t charge more after midnight – or anything before midnight.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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He who laughs lasts.
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Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.
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Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.
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Pregnancy is the only time in a woman’s life she can help God work a miracle.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
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If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
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It is my theory you can’t get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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Kids need love the most when they’re acting most unlovable.
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Cats invented self-esteem.
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
ERMA BOMBECK