“When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.”

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

In one kiss, you’ll know all I haven’t said.

I have named you queen. There are taller than you, taller. There are purer than you, purer. There are lovelier than you, lovelier. But you are the queen.

The ones that love us never really leave us.

There’s a million reasons why I should give you up. But the heart wants what it wants.

Love! Love until the night collapses!

I am yours. Don’t give myself back to me.

I lost myself again, but I remember you.

Girls are something very special and you got to treat them that way.