I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
JOAN RIVERS






