Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSYou have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERS