One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
JOAN RIVERSIf you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERS