“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.

Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.

Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

Theory is knowledge that doesn’t work. Practice is when everything works and you don’t know why.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

A smile can get you far, but a smile with a gun can get you further.

Life is funny. Things change, people change, but you will always be you, so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone.

I sometimes wish that people would put a little more emphasis upon the observance of the law than they do upon its enforcement.

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.