I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERSAt my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS