If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERSSomething terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS






