I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG






