I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG