If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDSI drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS