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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

W. C. Fields

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Danger Man Place World
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Money Myself Wild Woman
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS

Habit Mad Myself Weird

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

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