I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDSMarry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS