I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDSMarry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS