I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDSMarry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS