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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

W. C. Fields

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

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