I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDSSome weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS