I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDSNever give a sucker an even break.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS






