Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDSNever give a sucker an even break.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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I drink therefore I am.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS