Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDSNever give a sucker an even break.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS