If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. FIELDSNever give a sucker an even break.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS