black
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

W. C. Fields

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Attitude Education Important Money Past People Skill
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

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