You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDSI don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS