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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

W. C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Herself Love Myself
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Danger Man Place World
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Money Myself Wild Woman
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDS

Need Quit Stupidity Time
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

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