I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
TIM ALLENI blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
TIM ALLEN






