If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
TIM ALLENComedy is the ultimate anarchist.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
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I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
TIM ALLEN