I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
TIM ALLENComedy is the ultimate anarchist.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
TIM ALLEN