Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
TIM ALLENWomen now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
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I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
TIM ALLEN